inner beauty

"How do you preach the gospel of body positivity when you're breathless from your Spanx? 

How can you tell girls that inner beauty matters when you're texting them the message from your aesthetician's chair?"

-Jennifer Seiner, The New York Times

xxx LauraMirjam

paper smile

Is Friday and I am still at university doing my documentary of my placement. 

I should be home, relaxing and starting my Easter break but no that is not how I do it.

 I am going to Tenerife next Wednesday, all by myself, 11 nights.

Luckily I have lot to do, university work and also two books to read, so no worries I am keeping myself busy! 

I am excited but nervous at the same time, last time I was having a holiday by myself was around 1,5 years ago. But now is MEtime, sometimes is good to spend time by yourself, many people can't do that. 

Learn, trust me it is really good for you.

xxx LauraMirjam

looking for love

I had really good conversation with my friend today, we talked about L-O-V-E.

I have never had a boyfriend. Just like things going on but never anything serious. My Facebook relationship has always been single.

Not like I don't want a boyfriend, not at all. Who don't like cuddling, kissing, holding hands and just spending time with someone who likes you and shows that. I think everyone likes that, well at least I do!

So far I have had five guys that I really cared about. Five guys that I really liked, guys that I would love to call as a boyfriend.

But every time, every fucking time those guys I really liked, they have told me one after the other that  "I am not ready for relationship", "it's not you, it's me", "I just want to have fun" and other shit.

 But still no matter what was the excuse, I have been stupid and thought that if I am super kind and please him, he will like me at some point and want to call me as a girlfriend. 

No, that have never happened. 

I did and said things that I didn't like just so he would like me and he would see that I could be a good girlfriend.

I was wide-eyed. Honestly, I was stupid.

Most of the "things" ended up to casual sex. At least I felt like the guy cared about me...

But I am the only one who to blame, I should have ended those "things" and respect myself and my feelings because every time I was the one who got hurt.

 Guys do not say no to sex, we all know that, but on those situations I just thought that guy liked me. I got intimacy from him.

I was fooling myself. I put myself into a trap. 

But is not only about that, those guys who used to say that they are not ready for relationship, they have girlfriends now. So the question is,

what is wrong with me? What she has that I don't?

With me you were scared of relationship but after two months you are living with a girl you just met?

Why she, not me? 

Most of my friends would say now, "the time wasn't right." But when you hear that every fucking time, you don't believe in it anymore. There must be something wrong with me.

Like I said to my friend, maybe I am just meant to be alone, by myself. (I don't want to believe that.)

And I know that I am still young, but when the "love stories"(one-sided love stories) are repeating themselves, you lose your faith, and you start thinking no one is going to like you.

Maybe I should look at the mirror and think, is there something that I should do differently.

Something with my attitude, behavior or am I just expecting too much.

"You are lucky with everything, expect with love."

"After all, they all are just after a love of their lives, rarely seen peaceful madness; just waiting to see, will he be a rockstar, a motor biker, a gnome, a cosmonaut or a sailor,”
-Suhonen

xxx Mirjam

feel

                                 

"She wanted to tell him she missed him but she knew it wouldn't change anything so she kept pretending she didn't."

"It's hard to wait around for something you know might never happen, but it's even harder to give up when it's everything you want."

my mind, Sundays, worst day to be single

chin up!

xxx Mirjam

'bout you'

"Middle fingers up, put them hands high

Wave it in his face, tell him, boy, bye

Tell him, boy, bye, middle fingers up

I ain't thinking 'bout you"

I miss my hair and someone else...

xxx LolaMirjam

summer day

summer day,

one day I live in a country where there are only two seasons.

I am a huge fan of summer, flowers, beach, sun, smiling people, happy people, summer dresses and the list continues...

where is that place?

xxx LolaMirjam

views of happiness feelings of unhappiness

I am going to miss this view but not this feeling of loneliness and unhappiness.

This year has been really hard for me, 5 days and I say goodbye to this view and these feelings.

But thanks to my best friend and to my landlord that I am still here trying to reach my dreams.

Maybe the second year is better year at university.

xxx LolaMirjam

sister

She is my sister. 

She is my sister whom I love so much. She is my sister with whom I was struggling a lot. She is my sister whom I didn't talk to for several years. She is my sister with whom I used to be like best friends. She is my sister whom I used to be really mad to. She is my sister whom I missed so much. She is my sister with whom I argue a lot. She is my sister that has changed for the better. She is my sister whom missed so many important things in my life and I missed in her life because we didn't talk to each other. She is my sister whom is so important to me. She is my sister for whom I would do  anything. She is my sister whom I used to hate and love at the same time. She is my sister whom I will always care about, no matter what.

She is my sister and I am her sister, always.

and then I have four other sisters that I love very much, but they are another story

xxx LolaMirjam

one of a kind

"I have pimples, I have blackheads, my face is not symmetrical, I have scars, I have moles, things that I don't like and I am insecure about. My face is round shape like a lollipop, my cheeks are like big red apples and my nose is like a potato (I was called potato nose when I was little). My eyes are like brown almonds, small but round.  And my teeth, my horse teeth like one girl said once.
I have dark features, more like south european. Almost daily I have to convince that I am Finnish and my both parents are 100% born in Finland, people even ask am I sure, like I don't know where I am from.

At first it was really difficult to look different, not like my friends. Some girls bullied me at school, having braces and glasses didn’t help at all. I standed out in the crowd, and when you are a kid you want to look like everyone else. It wasn’t cool to look different. I had issues about the way my face looked, the way I looked.

It is sad how mean people can be,when you are a kid  and even when you are an adult.

I don’t need your negative words about my look, I know how I look and what I like or don’t like about it.

Growing up has been a lot of struggle, I still hear how my nose looks ugly or my skin is too dark on summer but now my own attitude is different. I don’t care, uniqueness is richness. I don’t fit in to the Finnish label, and that is more than fine.  I appreciate and highlight my differences, even my potato nose and horse teeth, I love to stand out and tell people that I am Finnish, I am just breaking the stereotypes. I am one of a kind!"

This is my article for my Zine I made at university. I wish I could always be as confident as the last words I wrote in the article but the reality is I am quite insecure person.

So please girls, boys focus on the good and beautiful things that people have, leave the negativity and bullying, no one wins with bad attitude.

xxx LolaMirjam

dancing on my own

Still healing process. But I keep dancing on my own.

No matter what I always keep going.

xxx LolaMirjam

fucking idiot

I saw this "street art" today while walking home.

I have been sick for awhile, I lost my voice and got a little flu.

My mood is low in every way. For the first time I really feel lonely. 

Like I have said before, I don't have that many friends here, and mostly those "friends" are more like people I say hi to. I don't feel like they understand me or I understand them. We are just so different so many ways. Or I just have different opinion what is a friend. To me friend is someone who hugs you when you feel down, asks you how are you, accept you the way you are, laugh with you, is nice to you and someone who is real to you and don't pretend.

Right now I don't feel like I can talk to anyone about my feelings etc.

I know that I have known these people only for 9 months but I just don't feel connected with them. Maybe there is something wrong with me, maybe it is my age.

I just feel miserable.

One week more and this year is over, will see what happens after that. 

xxx LolaMirjam

thoughts

"Sometimes 

I just think fuck it,

you'll never want me."

"I'm afraid to lose you

and you're not even mine."

xxx LolaMirjam

I´m a loner but not lonely.

"I´m a loner but not lonely."

But I prefer having real friends than fake ones.

Most of the time I'm all by myself because I don't have that many friends here but I'm also that kind of person that for me it is okay to be alone. I enjoy being alone, I don't have problem with that. 

But of course I miss the time with my friends back home. They know me and appreciate who I am.

Why it is so difficult to make friends here in England?

xxx LolaMirjam

we have a problem.

Girls, we have a problem.

Why?

I have heard too often how girls comment negatively on how someone look, wear, etc. Even to their own friends.

"Ugly shirt", "you should look at the mirror", "you are too fat for those shorts", "her/his skin is so bad", "Her eyebrows look awful."

Even jokes can hurt, you never know how confident this person really is, your jokes and words can hurt deeply.

Why it is so freaking hard to say something positive, do you lose something by saying so?

Are you helping someone if you say something negative about how she/he looks or what she/he is wearing?

Are you helping yourself by saying those negative things about other girls/boys? 

Do you feel satisfied by saying negative things about others?

Does that make you happy, does that make the other girl/boy  happy?

What is the purpose of saying negative things about other people´s look?

I just don't get it, think about it...

You can keep that negativity for yourself, that other person doesn't need it.

Nobody is perfect and everyone knows that, so we don't need those negative words to remind that nobody is perfect, vice versa.

We all know that social media, magazines and environment creates pressure on women already, how they should look and what to wear. Why you need to be part of the reason that women feel insecure? 

Just saying...

So, from now on I wish that everyone who reads this, even men, remember to say even one compliment everyday to someone. 

Trust me, you are going to bring a big smile to her/his face,you can even save her/his day!

It can be something small like, "I like your shoes", "you have beautiful red hair", "I like your lip color", "that shirt looks great on you", small things.
And next time when you are commenting on something negative, ask yourself how would you feel if someone says that to you?

Try, everyday one compliment or is it too much to ask?

xxx LolaMirjam

tobacco.

"I rolled tobacco 

and watched as the smoke

flowed and magically,

like you,

left me."

xxx LolaMirjam

a lot...

"I cannot put in to words 

how you make me feel."

"I turned liking you

a lot more than 

I originally planned."

"I think about you a lot

more than I probably should."

"I guess...I just really like you."

xxx LolaMirjam

can you read my mind?

This week has been so tiring.

I am thinking and thinking, I am thinking everything.

My family, uni, work, friends, my life, my goals, past and future.

And when your mind is full on thoughts it is hard to concentrate on anything.

I think it might be the darkness, this time of the year or month,hah.

But you know what I try to stay positive, from tomorrow, hah.

Tonight I am just going to listen Adele (I just bought her new album) and drink tee(so British). I guess I'm getting old or boring.

Is comical to listen heartbreaking songs when you have been single for your entire life, where is he? I guess he is hiding from me...

Like I said there is lot of going on in my mind.

I am surprised that I even have time to think.

Tomorrow is new, better day.

What is on your mind?

xxx LolaMirjam