SheIsMirjam: 2016

Friday 4 November 2016

Wednesday 2 November 2016

looking for love

I had really good conversation with my friend today, we talked about L-O-V-E.

I have never had a boyfriend. Just like things going on but never anything serious. My Facebook relationship has always been single.

Not like I don't want a boyfriend, not at all. Who don't like cuddling, kissing, holding hands and just spending time with someone who likes you and shows that. I think everyone likes that, well at least I do!

So far I have had five guys that I really cared about. Five guys that I really liked, guys that I would love to call as a boyfriend.

But every time, every fucking time those guys I really liked, they have told me one after the other that "I am not ready for relationship", "it's not you, it's me", "I just want to have fun" and other shit.

But still no matter what was the excuse, I have been stupid and thought that if I am super kind and please him, he will like me at some point and want to call me as a girlfriend.

No, that have never happened.

I did and said things that I didn't like just so he would like me and he would see that I could be a good girlfriend.

I was wide-eyed. Honestly, I was stupid.

Most of the "things" ended up to casual sex. At least I felt like the guy cared about me...

But I am the only one who to blame, I should have ended those "things" and respect myself and my feelings because every time I was the one who got hurt.

Guys do not say no to sex, we all know that, but on those situations I just thought that guy liked me. I got intimacy from him.

I was fooling myself. I put myself into a trap.

But is not only about that, those guys who used to say that they are not ready for relationship, they have girlfriends now. So the question is,

what is wrong with me? What she has that I don't?

With me you were scared of relationship but after two months you are living with a girl you just met?

Why she, not me?

Most of my friends would say now, "the time wasn't right." But when you hear that every fucking time, you don't believe in it anymore. There must be something wrong with me.

Like I said to my friend, maybe I am just meant to be alone, by myself. (I don't want to believe that.)

And I know that I am still young, but when the "love stories"(one-sided love stories) are repeating themselves, you lose your faith, and you start thinking no one is going to like you.

Maybe I should look at the mirror and think, is there something that I should do differently.

Something with my attitude, behavior or am I just expecting too much.

"You are lucky with everything, expect with love."

"After all, they all are just after a love of their lives, rarely seen peaceful madness; just waiting to see, will he be a rockstar, a motor biker, a gnome, a cosmonaut or a sailor,”
-Suhonen

xxx Mirjam